Dane Cook: Orgy XIII Style
by Shixam
Summary: One day I suddenly decided to listen to Dane Cook jokes and then turn them into Organization XIII fanfics. So here they are. I do not own the jokes or the original Organization characters.
1. Roxas' Nightmare

Ok, the first story in my Dane Cook/Orgy XIII mixtures. Axel and Demyx see that Roxas needs a bit of consoling after a...terrifying nightmare.

Dislaimer: Numbers I-XIII belong to the creator of Kingdom Hearts. Xamjie and Lillix belong to friends, and Shi is mine.

--

He was just sitting there, in a corner, hugging his knees

He was just sitting there, in a corner, hugging his knees.

"Do you think something's wrong with him?" Axel asked. He and Demyx were standing at the entrance to Roxas' room, looking at the figure huddled in the corner.

"I don't know, but the poor kid looks traumatized." Demyx said. The Flurry of Dancing Flames and the Melodious Nocturne looked at each other, and then they decided it would be best if they checked on Roxas.

"Hey, Roxas, buddy, you ok?" Axel asked. His tone was the same kind that someone would use when talking to a lost little kid. Roxas didn't notice the tone his friend was using. He just stared ahead of him; his eyes were fixed on some invisible point on the wall. Slowly, he shook his head. Demyx and Axel exchanged another look; they were starting to get worried now.

"Did Saix get mad again?" Demyx copied Axel's tone.

Once again, he slowly shook his head.

"Then what's wrong? You can tell us." Axel said.

Roxas shook his head again, but this time it was faster and more insistent.

"What? Are you afraid we'll laugh?" Demyx asked.

Roxas nodded.

"We won't laugh. We're your buddies." Axel told him.

"I had a nightmare. Roxas said.

"Now, why would we laugh at that?" Demyx asked.

"It was about..._the_ _Kool-aid man_." the last few words escaped his mouth in a horrified whisper. Demyx and Axel looked at each other, they began to smile.

The smiles turned into chuckles.

The chuckles turned into the two laughing their heads off.

"I knew it! I knew you would laugh!" Roxas exclaimed. "Demyx, you're an asshole! And-"

"Ha! You're and asshole!" Axel started laughing at Demyx now.

"I wasn't done." Roxas said. "You're an Axe-hole!" Now Demyx started laughing at Axel.

"Alright! Alright! Enough laughing!" Axel said. "You're hurting the kid's feelings!"

"So, exactly what was the dream about?" Demyx asked once all the laughter had died down.

"Well..."

"Come on. We promise we won't-"

"Laugh?" Roxas interrupted Axel. This caused all three of them to start laughing for a little bit longer.

"Just tell us what happened." Axel said. "We both rank higher than you, so you have to listen to us."

Roxas sighed. _Everybody_ ranked higher than him except Xamjie, Lillix and Shi, but they _still_ ordered him around.

"Well..." Roxas said. "The dream started with a party that Xamjie and Lillix decided to throw."

_"Yay!" Xamjie and Lillix exclaimed as they jumped up and down in excitement. "Partypartyparty!"__**CRASH!**_

"You guys have parties here?" Shi asked.

"Yeah," Demyx said. "We've actually had a few. Why?"

"Well, some members just don't seem like party people."

"You mean like Saix, Xaldin, Lexaeus, or Vexen?" Roxas asked. "They're forced to go. Xemnas thinks parties are a good way for us to bond as an organization."

So, later, everyone was at the party when suddenly...

THIS HUGE BOWL OF PUNCH BURSTS THROUGH THE WALL...And he was wearing...tights?!

"OH YEAH!" he screamed.

"YAY!" Xamjie and Lillix screamed...everyone else just stared. Then, the Kool-aid man poured himself into sixteen cups. Xamjie and Lillix were the only ones who actually drank theirs.

"What are you two doing?!" Roxas exclaimed. "DEBRIS FELL IN THAT!"

Then, the Kool-aid man tried to offer Xemnas his cup. The Superior stared at the huge bowl of punch for a few seconds before slapping it away.

"No!" he said. "I don't want you to give me juice! I want you to fix that wall!"

"Idiot." Larxene said to the giant, drink-filled bowl.

"Yeah, coming through a wall is real cool." Xigbar said sarcastically. "USING THE FRONT DOOR IS COOL!"

The Kool-aid man tried to calm Xemnas down by patting his back, but Xemnas just slapped his hand away.

"Don't touch me, you drink!" he exclaimed. "You are sweating…or condensating. I will kick you in the tights if you touch me, and you will go down...you're very top heavy!"

"Oh yeah!"

"Oh no!" Axel said.

"Naughty, naughty Kool-aid." Demyx said, shaking his finger at Kool-aid man.

"Oh yeah."

"No." Xaldin said.

"Oh yeah."

"No." Saix said.

"...That's what scared you?" Axel asked.

"Yeah." Roxas said.

"That?" Demyx asked.

"Yes."

"What was so scary about it?" Axel asked.

"_A bowl of Kool-aid broke through the wall!_ It's unnatural! Am I the only one who thinks that?!" Roxas asked.

"...Pretty much. We've seen the commercials." Demyx asked.

"You just need help." Axel said.


	2. Would You Rather

So far, this is the most entertaining story I have written. It's a rather boring day for the Organization, so the members decide to play a little game.

Disclaimer: I do not own Numbers I-XIII, the creator of Kingdom Hearts does. Xamjie and Lillix belong to friends. Shixam belongs to me.

--

"Why don't we play

"Why don't we play...Would You Rather?" Axel suggested. It was an extremely slow day, no missions and nothing to do around the castle. So, the Organization had gathered in the Throne Room to brainstorm ways to fix this problem.

"Would You Rather?" Shi asked, she had never played it before.

"Yeah, someone picks two things and everyone else says which one they would prefer." Axel explained.

"Oh, sounds fun."

"It is. So, me first!" Axel said, without giving the rest of the members a chance to say if they wanted to play. "Would you rather...have sex or be part of a heist?"

"Of course the majority of the people here will say sex." Larxene said.

"Why's that?" Lillix asked.

"Because the majority of the members are guys, and all guys want is sex." Larxene explained.

"That's a total myth." Xigbar said.

"Prove it."

"Men," Xemnas said, "Who would rather be part of a heist?" He and the rest of the guys raised their hands.

"Really?" Larxene asked.

"Yeah, it'd be cool." Roxas said. "It'd be like..." And then all the guys slipped into daydreams.

**Xigbar:**

_He was running down Main Street with his guns in his hands. He fired back at the officers who fired at him._

"Where's the van?!" Xigbar yelled as he shot them again. "The van was supposed to be here!" More shots.

**Vexen:**

_"Hurry up, Vexen!"_

"Give me a minute! I just need one minute!" Vexen replied from his seat in front of the laptop. "Dude, I need one more minute to hack into the mainframe! I'm in Friendster! They rerouted me into Friendster! I need a minute!"

From somewhere a distance away he heard someone yell, "Where the fuckin' van?!"

**Lexaeus:**

_He was the last minute replacement. He wouldn't have been put on the team at all if Zexion hadn't vouched for him._

"No, no! Dude, trust me, this guy's cool. He's solid, and he's cool." Zexion had said.

Really, he was just standing there looking cool the whole time. As the team got ready to put the plan into action, Lexaeus said, "Let's kill these bitches."

**Roxas:**

_He was new to this. Fresh meat for the ones firing at them. Running one minute, and then suddenly he was down._

"AH! SHIT!" Roxas exclaimed as he fell, holding the back of his leg. "No! No! No! No! Bleeding from the leg!" It stung...but it somehow felt cool.

"WHERE'S THE VAN?!" the yell came again.

**Reality:**

"...Ok..." Xamjie interrupted the men's daydreams, her tone suggesting that she thought they had all cracked. "New question!"

"Would you rather be in a heist or own a monkey?" Lillix asked.

"MONKEY!" Every male in the room shouted.

"You want to have a monkey? That's a horrible idea!" Larxene exclaimed. "First, they crap in their own hands, and they throw it around! Then they make unacceptable faces!"

"That's why we want monkeys!" Xigbar said. "We want evil monkeys that we can dress in armor, and give swords, and then we can fight them!" That started the daydreams again.

**Marluxia:**

_Marluxia returned from his mission, and cautiously entered his room. He was in there somewhere..._

"MONKEY!" he called. "YOU HERE?!"

He heard a screech.

"Where are you?!" he called this time.

"I'm in your closet!"

"You just talked!"

"I taught myself to talk!"

"This is incredibly odd..."

"I know...Let's fight!"

"...OK!"

**Reality…Again:**

The daydreams were interrupted by a gasp from Demyx.

"What if, after the heist, you jump in the van...and the monkey is driving the van?!" He exclaimed.

"...That. Would. Be. AWESOME!" Axel exclaimed.

"Wouldn't that be awesome, Lillix? ...Lillix?" Roxas asked. He looked to where the girls had previously been sitting. They had left during the monkey daydreams. The guys paused for a second as they realized the girls had left them...then they continued to discuss the wonders of mixing monkeys with heists.

--

For the fantasies, I tried to match the characters with whatever Dane Cook was saying in the joke. For the first one, there was a lot of shooting, so I chose Xigbar for that. Vexen is the Cilly Academic, so I thought he'd be good as the hacker. Lexaeus is the Silent Hero, so I made him the replacement who doesn't say much. Since he and Zexion work together with Vexen, I had Zexion vouch for him. Roxas is Number XIII, so he was made the newbie. For the monkey fantasy, I was originally going to have that be Demyx's, but for some reason as I wrote it was changed to Marluxia.


	3. Got It Memorized?

I do not own the members of Organization XIII.

Warning: There is repeated use of the word 'fuck' in this chapter. If you do not like that, do not read.

In this chapter, Axel teaches Xigbar some important rules for life.

--

Something had to be done. Axel was starting to get on everybody's nerves. For the past few weeks he'd been cussing like crazy, and seemed to be especially fond of the word 'fuck'. Xigbar had been the first to get tired of this behavior. He'd just confronted Number VIII about his word usage, and in the process had given Axel the finger. Axel had just ended up laughing in his face.

"That's not how you give someone the finger!" he had announced. "This is how you give someone the finger!" And with that, Axel shoved it in his face. "Got it memorized?"

Xigbar didn't reply. He just stood there with a vein twitching in his forehead, staring at the finger in front of him. Honestly, the only difference between Xigbar's finger and Axel's was that Axel held his a little straighter in the air.

"…Axel, there is no right way to give someone the finger." He said. "The only incorrect way is to not raise your middle finger at all."

"Of course there's a right way!" Axel had told him. "There's a right way to everything, including the finger and cussing. For example, the word 'fuck'-"

"There's a correct way to say 'fuck'?" Xigbar asked looking like he thought Axel was crazy.

"Of course!" Axel said. "You see, you've the 'ph', and the 'uh', and the 'kuh'. The trick is to emphasize the 'ph'. Like this: 'Fffuck. Got it memorized?"

"Really?" Xigbar asked, starting to look interested.

"Yeah. You can't just hit the 'uh' or the 'k'. It's just not as satisfying. It's got to be 'fffuck'!"

Xigbar thought about this for the moment.

"You know…" he finally said. "…You've got a point."

"I knew I did."

"Do you have more of this wisdom hidden away somewhere?"

"Of course!"

"Teach me."

Axel did as Xigbar requested, and pretty soon the Organization was getting pretty sick of both of them. Now they had two people who were overly fond of the 'fuck'. The situation was so annoying that Xemnas saw the need to create a 'no cussing' rule. This didn't stop the two though. Instead, they resorted to 'demonstrating the proper use of the middle finger'.


	4. Creepy Vexen

I do not own Numbers I-XIII. Xamjie and Lillix belong to my friends.

Roxas has a realization about Vexen. This chapter was inspired by stuff that has been brought up with me and my friends. It's just sort of a joke.

--

"You know…being around Vexen is like de ja vu…" Roxas said one evening after dinner

"You know…being around Vexen is like de ja vu…" Roxas said one evening after dinner. Vexen had just left, and had been the first to finish. So, the other members had started their usual after-meal ritual: talking about whoever wasn't around.

"What do you mean?" Axel asked his friend.

"Well…he's like that creepy guy who was around, you know, in your life as a Somebody." Roxas explained.

"Creepy guy?" Demyx asked. "Is this going to be like the Kool-Aid thing again?"

"No, no! Hear me out!" Roxas said before anyone could ask about his embarrassing dream. "Think back to you lives as Somebodies. There was always this guy. This creepy guy. You would see him, you would leave, and then you would see him again. It was like he was some sort of stalker!"

"Hm…you know…I think I remember someone like that." Larxene said after thinking for a few minutes. Similar statements of agreement followed Larxene's.

"Yeah…yeah! There was someone like that!" Xigbar said.

"I knew someone like that too!" Xaldin realized.

"I think mine was named Rude!" Axel said.

"See?! I'm not being crazy!" Roxas said. "And I can describe him. Anybody have a picture of Vexen?" This statement earned plenty of laughter from the members around the table. Roxas even joined in. The thought of anyone carrying around a picture of Vexen was too ridiculous.

"Hold on." Xemnas said when we was able to breathe. "I'll get one from the files."

"Files?" Zexion asked. "What files?"

"Oh my God! Zexion doesn't know about something?!" Xamjie exclaimed.

"Yes, files." Xemnas said, ignoring the outburst. "I have files on each of the members of the Organization. Now, please excuse me."

As Xemnas left them to retrieve the picture, the conversation turned to these mysterious files, the fact that Zexion knew nothing about them, and how it sort of felt like Xemnas was a stalker. Finally, the Superior returned with the picture Roxas had requested.

"Ok! Now, I can describe the guy. Look at the picture." Roxas said. "He's not fat."

The other members nodded, confirming the statement.

"However, he is shapes." Roxas continued.

"Yes, I believe Vexen is square shapes to specific." Lillix said.

"Nobody talks to him."

It was true that the other members tried to avoid Vexen.

"And then the glasses! You never see his eyes!"

"Um…Roxas…" Axel tried to stop his friend, but Roxas continued.

"And then, he has a whole jubilee of pens!" he said.

"Well…not really…" Xigbar said, but Roxas didn't hear him.

"And then-"

"ROXAS!" Lillix yelled at him.

"What?" Roxas asked, sounding annoyed. He felt like he'd been on a roll.

"Vexen doesn't wear glasses or carry pens with him." She told him.

"Oh…yeah…" Roxas said. "Well…he's still creepy."

--

OK, I would like to clear something up before someone mentions it. Yes, I made Rude Axel's creepy guy. I know that Reno is not Axel's other. However, since Axel is based off of Reno, I thought it'd be funny to bring it up.


	5. Benson's Kingdom Hearts

Ok, usual disclaimer. The only character that belongs to me is Shi.

This chapter is based off Dane Cook's joke Benson's Animal Farm. Enjoy.

* * *

"Skiddly-doo!" Xamjie exclaimed excitedly.

"Skiddly-doo!" Lillix said, sounding just as excited.

"Skiddly-doo!"

"Skiddly-doo!"

"Skiddly-doo!"

"Skiddly-doo!"

Numbers XIV and XV had been bouncing excitedly all day. Accompanying this bouncing was repetition of the phrase, "Skiddly-doo!" The simple phrase seemed to be all the two girls were capable of saying ever since that morning. And all day, the other 14 members had watched this phenomenon seemingly without the knowledge of what had caused it.

The first members to notice this increase in excitement were Roxas, Axel, Demyx, and Zexion. Axel and Roxas were playing videogames and-like usual-were purposefully trying to mess each other up. After their attempts to succeeded, whoever was losing would accuse the other of cheating, and then proceed to cheat as well. Demyx and Zexion sat on a couch in the game room, watching the two friends. Demyx was attempting to get Zexion to play DDR with him. Zexion wasn't actually paying attention to the Nocturne or the game. Instead, he was attempting to read a book, and wondering exactly what had made him think that reading in the game room was a good idea.

Then, Xamjie and Lillix bounced their way into the room. Xamjie attached herself to Zexion and Lillix attached herself to Axel. This interrupted Zexion's thoughts and caused Axel to lose the game.

"Lillix!" Axel exclaimed, watching the screen as Roxas killed his character.

"Skiddly-doo!" was all Lillix said.

"What?" Axel asked, not understanding the exclamation.

"Skiddly-doo!" Xamjie exclaimed next.

"Xamjie, do you need something?" Zexion asked.

"Skiddly-doo!" Xamjie repeated.

"Xam-" Zexion started to say, but then Xamjie and Lillix were bouncing their way out of the room.

"What was that about?" Demyx asked. Zexion just shrugged and Axel turned to Roxas.

"Rematch." He demanded. Roxas shrugged and granted him his rematch.

None of the guys figured out what had excited the two girls until dinner. Lillix and Xamjie were still bouncing-in their seats this time-and still repeating, "Skiddly-doo!" That is, they were bouncing and repeating until Xemnas made them stop.

"Number XIV, Number XV!" Xemnas finally said. "Stop your annoying behavior and explain why you have been acting this way all day!"

"We're going to Kingdom Hearts!" Xamjie exclaimed.

"Saix said so!" Lillix said. "He said it's almost complete!"

All the other members except Saix and Shi groaned in unison.

"What?" Shi asked. "Don't we want hearts? And isn't Kingdom Hearts going to give them to us?"

"Yes." Saix said. "And Kingdom Hearts is almost done."

"It should be done by Sunday." Xemnas told them. "Now, no more complaining. We're going to eat."

So, the Nobodies settled down in their seats and ate. Xemnas and Saix acted how they normally did. However, Lillix and Xamjie were still slightly bouncy, Shi was very confused, and everyone else was grumbling as they ate. After dinner, when Xemnas and Saix had disappeared, the rest of the members cleared up the situation.

"We won't be going to Kingdom Hearts." Xigbar told the three newest members.

"W-what do you mean?" Lillix asked.

"Xemnas has said that we'll be going to Kingdom Hearts before." Axel explained. "But we never have."

"Why?" Shi asked.

"Some brat with a Keyblade comes along and destroys our hard work." Marluxia said. "I swear they must be handing those things out left and right."

"Well, it won't be destroyed this time." Xamjie told them confidently.

* * *

A few days later, Marluxia returned to the castle from a mission. He had been injured while he was out. Why? The brat with the Keyblade had shown up. When they saw Marluxia, Xamjie and Lillix started whining.

"Calm down, calm down." Xemnas told them.

"But…but…but…" Lillix said.

"He beat Marluxia!" Xamjie said. "That leaves Larxene, Roxas, me, Lillix, and Shi. And me, Lillix, and Shi are too inexperienced!"

"He's going to destroy Kingdom Hearts!" Lillix said.

"Girls, calm down." Kingdom Hearts isn't going anywhere." Xemnas told them.

A few days later, Xemnas had gotten himself a paper cut and was on his way to Vexen's lab when Xamjie and Lillix stopped him. They came up and started walking on either side of him for a few steps before moving from their places and into his path.

"Girls, please move." Xemnas requested.

"Oh, are you planning to go somewhere?" Xamjie asked.

"Yes, Vexen's lab." Xemnas told them. "I need a band-aid."

"Oh, are you looking forward to it?" Lillix asked.

"Well…yes. This paper cut does hurt." Xemnas replied.

"Well, you're coming with us for a second." Xamjie told him.

"But…my paper cut…I need to get to Vexen's lab." The Superior told him, trying to move past the two girls.

"Vexen's lab isn't going anywhere." Lillix told him, and Xemnas (who didn't have too good of a memory) thought that the words seemed kind of familiar.

So the two girls each took one of Xemnas' arms and dragged him back the way he had come. Xemnas was confused, but allowed the girls to drag him. Number I was sure that any protests would be useless. As they dragged Xemnas, Xamjie and Lillix were taking him to the higher levels of The Castle That Never Was. Finally, Xemnas was taken through a door and brought to a landing outside. Once there, Xamjie and Lillix released their leader's arms and stared at him.

"What?" Xemnas asked them after a few seconds. "Why have you brought me here?"

"Oh? You don't remember this place?" Xamjie asked.

Xemnas looked around and shook his head. He couldn't think of what was so special about this place. There was something about it though…right on the tip of his tongue…

"This is where Kingdom Hearts used to be!" Lillix yelled at him. "Before the brat with the Keyblade came and destroyed it!"


	6. What Happened?

I won't say anything about this until the end. I won't even put a disclaimer until the end. You have to find out what happens here by yourself.

* * *

Rufus sighed with exasperation as he walked through Midgar with his Turks. The little outing had been Vegas' idea. That day, she has run through the mansion and woken up Rufus, Reno, Rude, Lina, and Tseng. None of them had really wanted to get up. It was suppose to be their day off. They weren't supposed to do anything. Then Vegas had decided that she wanted to take a walk.

Out of boredom, Rufus began to look around and examine the scenery. Then he saw some that really made him feel bad. It was a small group of kids. They just sat there, playing in a puddle. Two of them were pushing tumbleweed back and forth.

"Who are those kids?" he asked, stopping to look at them. The president's pause caused the rest of the group to stop.

"I don't know…" Tseng answered, also watching them. In order to get an answer, Vegas walked over to the group of kids.

"Excuse me," She said, crouching down in front of a young boy. "Who are you?"

"Denzel." The boy said. Reno blinked and thought for a second as he remembered the name.

"Wait…Denzel was the name of the orphan with Cloud and Tifa…oh no." he said.

"Oh no?" Rude asked, and Reno nodded. "What's wrong?"

"These are the needy kids." Reno told his partner.

"The needy kids?" Lina asked.

"Yeah. You see them all the time on TV." Reno explained, backing up from the kids as if they were contaminated.

"Oh…OH!" Rufus said, realizing who he meant.

"Oh, no, baka-sama." Vegas said stopping Rufus as he also started to back away. "You're going to stay and feel sorry for the kids, you hypocrite."

"But…but…any minute that guy is gonna show up." Rufus said, and Reno began looking around wildly.

"What guy?" Tseng asked.

"The old Kris Kringle impersonator the khakis and blue button up shirt." Reno told them.

"…Reno," Lina said. "Stop being an idiot."

"Lina," Vegas said. "Reno is an idiot."

"Hey!" Reno said, but his protest was forgotten when he saw an old Kris Kringle look-a-like in khakis and a blue button up shirt walking toward them. "I-it's him!"

"…I don't believe it…" Tseng said, sounding like he didn't.

"Hello." The Kris Kringle impersonator said. "Top of the evening to you. I'm sure you can probably see that these kids are in need. They're not having an easy go." Before the man has even finished saying 'hello', Reno had made his escape.

"For 15 cents, the man continued, apparently not noticing Reno's disappearance. As he said those words, Rufus followed the Turk. "Fifteen little pennies. You can change one these children's lives."

"…I have to take care of something." Rude said, and he ran after Reno and Rufus.

"This is Denzel." The man knelt down next to the boy that Vegas was still crouching in front of.

"We know." She said to the man, but he just kept talking.

"He's a good little tyke." And after hearing those words, Tseng followed the others. "For 15 cents you can fix his cleft lip and send him to Oxford."

"Where is Oxford?" Lina asked.

"I don't have a cleft lip." Denzel said. The man said nothing and just stared at them.

"Oh, you're finally done?" Lina asked. "Ok, see you later." And then, only Vegas was left from the group. Vegas stared at the guy, and he stared back.

"I blame you!" she suddenly shouted at him. "You're why they don't want to give! You're too nice! And too sweet! We're Turks! We need to have our asses kicked! Not nice and sweetness! We need some guy who _demands_ that we give you 15 cents!"

Still, the guy just stared at her, so Vegas continued her rant.

"You also need to put these kids in our way! While we're training, those kids need to appear in our line of fire and make us stop! With signs that say stuff like 'Remember me'!"

And still, the Kris Kringle guy stared at her, and finally, Vegas sighed.

"Alright, here." She took 15 cents out of her pocket and handed it to the guy.

"Thank you." The man finally spoke. "Wait…what are you doing?" Vegas had just picked up Denzel and was walking away with him.

"I paid you 15 cents! I'm taking my orphan!" She called back to him. All the guy could do was stare at her. After a while of walking, Vegas found the others waiting for her.

"What are you doing with him?" Rude asked when they saw Denzel.

"I paid the guy 15 cents." Vegas explained. "Denzel is going to Oxford now."

"Seriously, where is Oxford?" Lina asked as they started walking again. Tseng shrugged an answer for her.

"…Wasn't Organization XIII suppose to be in this?" Reno asked.

"What's Organization XIII?" Rufus asked.

"I have no clue…" Reno realized.

* * *

No, that one did not include the Organization XIII members. So consider this a bonus chapter. I was just listening to the Needy Kids joke, and I couldn't figure out how to connect it to the Organization. Then I thought of Denzel as one of the needy kids. And that made this a FF chapter.

So! The disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy or the original characters. I also do not own Vegas, she was created by a friend. Lina is my creation. What the guy who is asking for donations says is directly from the joke. Some of what Vegas says to him is also from the joke, but not all.

I know that Denzel is with Cloud and Tifa in Advent Children (that's what started the FF7 thing for me), but my friend who created Vegas thought he would make an awesome little brother, so when we started our rp her character was taking care of Denzel. So, I had her take Denzel in this. I also thought that since it is in an Organization XIII series I needed to include the Organization somehow, so I brought it up there at the end.


	7. Sea Salt Ice Cream

Once again, I used dialogue from the joke for the conversations in this fanfic. I do not own the Organization, and my friend created Lillix.

* * *

Axel sat in the kitchen, calmly licking a chocolate popsicle as if he didn't have a care in the world

Axel sat in the, calmly licking a chocolate popsicle as if he didn't have a care in the world. Until Roxas entered the kitchen after returning from a mission. Axel lifted his hand in greeting to his friend, and Roxas lazily responded.

"Ehwazzup." He said, not really paying attention to anything as went over to the freezer and opened it. The younger Nobody stared into the icy depths for a few seconds before looking over at Axel and narrowing his eyes at the chocolate popsicle.

"Uh….Uh…" Roxas said, and then e looked back into the freezer, as if to make sure what he had seen had been right.

"I don't speak 'uhuh'." Axel told him, licking the ice cream again. "What is it?"

Roxas just started moving things around in the freezer. Axel thought that he was staring into it like it was Kingdom Hearts. Number VIII just licked his ice cream again as he observed this bizarre behavior.

"Where is it, dude?" Roxas asked Axel, and then he pointed at the chocolate popsicle. "Is that it?"

"What?" Axel asked, pausing in his licking. "I don't…is this what?"

"Is that my ice cream?" Roxas asked.

"What? No! This is chocolate! Yours is sea salt ice cream!" Axel said.

"Then where's my ice cream?"

"I don't-"

"Where's my fucking ice cream, dude?" Roxas repeated. "I had ice cream. Right in here, man! And I want to know were it is, because it's gone now!"

"I really don't know where in this world your ice cream is." Axel replied.

"You know, you and I are the only ones here who eat sea salt ice cream!" Roxas said, taking a threatening step toward Axel. "I've been thinking about that fucking ice cream during my entire mission!"

"Well, that's pathetic. Axel said. "You're on a mission, thinking about creamy delights. Instead of maybe thinking about getting a heart!"

"You ate my fucking ice cream, bro!" Roxas insisted. "If I got Zexion, I bet he would smell is on you! I know it!"

"Listen here, _Sora._" Axel used the name of Roxas' Somebody to show he was getting serious. "I didn't eat your fucking ice cream! I have a chocolate one! I swear on my unborn child's life, I didn't eat you ice cream!"

_Oh….crap…I involved my unborn child in an ice cream deboggle…_

**3 Years Later**

Vexen came out of his lab with a somber look on his face. This could have been because he had been forced to act as the doctor when Lillix had gone into labor with Axel's child. And it probably was. His response when Xemnas had given him the job had been, "I'm a scientist, not a doctor!" Xemnas had said it was close enough and he had to deal with it. However, Vexen's message matched his attitude perfectly.

"Axel, there were some complications." Vexen said. "Your little bea-I mean your child did not make it."

Murmurs of regret came from everyone who had been waiting outside. Every, except Axel and Roxas.

"Oh, crap!" Axel exclaimed.

"Axel…" Roxas said with a warning in his tone.

"Dude! This was a fluke!" Axel cried.

"Axel…you…" Roxas said.

"I swear on my _next_ unborn child!" Axel exclaimed next, hoping to prevent an attack.

"…Fine." Roxas said, leaving the room as he spoke. "No more flukes though!"

There was silence, and then Xemnas spoke.

"What was that about?"

"Roxas thinks I ate his sea salt ice cream three years ago." Axel explained.

"…Sea salt ice cream? Three years ago?" Demyx asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"…That was me."


	8. Roxas's new car

Well, well, well. How long has it been? Two years? But yes, it's true. I'm back with another chapter of my Dane Cook/Organization XIII fanfiction! I recently got an urge to write again, and one of my friends wanted me to continue with this and suggest Dane Cook's car alarm joke. So here it is!

But before you read and before the disclaimer I have to say something. Over on deviantArt I've been trying to have good manners and thank everyone when they give me a favorite or a a watch or a llama. I realized, though, I haven't been doing that here. I should though. Especially for fanfictions like this one. This seems to be my most popular fanfiction with 992 hits, 6 reviews, 8 favorites, and 8 alerts. It's even more popular than my latest Balthier/Vaan story. Knowing how girls can fangirl over boy/boy pairings, this kind of amazes me! So I would like to thank everyone for the reviews and favorites and alerts and for making this fanfiction so successful. Hopefully I'll be updating it more now and for a very long time. After all, this can't end until I run out of Dane Cook jokes to write about.

I tried to make this chapter much better written than the ones from two years ago, and I hope I succeeded. I do not own Kingdom Hearts, Organization XIII, or the characters in the Organization (no OCs in this one). I also do not own the Dane Cook joke that was mixed with Kingdom Hearts for this fanfiction. The car alarm lyrics are straight from the joke, and not my creation.

* * *

The day Roxas learned to drive was the day life in the Organization got both very interesting and very annoying. At first, it was very annoying as Roxas had absolutely no clue how cars worked. Or at least, he had very limited knowledge of how cars worked. He knew you put the key in, the gas made it go, the brake made it stop. He knew what he needed not to get in an accident, basically. Anything beyond that was rocket science to the young Nobody.

For example, car alarms were beyond Roxas's comprehension. He had no clue how to turn it off, which was very unfortunate for the Organization as his alarm seemed to have no clue how to stay off. Which would result in many late nights when Roxas's fellow Organization members would be tucked in bed when suddenly the car alarm would start going off for 46 minutes. They would just be laying there and then….

BWOOOOOOOP

BWOOOOOOOP

EH EH EH EH EH EH

MEEE MOOOP

MEEE MOOOP

The first night was it took for almost everyone to get tired of Roxas's new car and his new car alarm. Almost everyone, but there was one person who absolutely loved it. Xigbar felt inspired every time the alarm started to go off. He started getting up and walking around the castle, and one night Xigbar even wrote lyrics. And now, everytime he got up to wander the castle Xigbar would sing the lyrics he had written.

Soon everyone had the song memorized. They also had realized there was a specific time every night when the alarm would go off. And so when Roxas would go out to turn off the car alarm, he got used to walking past every member of the organization waiting for him and singing Xigbar's new song.

"Hellooooooooo!" Xigbar would start the song off, "I'm a caaaaaaaaaaar!"

"Gasoline makes me run!" Demyx would join in, adding his own little dance to accompany the words.

The it was Axel's turn: "Backseat! Trunk space!"

"Helloooooooo!" Luxord sang out next, "Let's go for a riiiiiiiiiide!"

"Oil is my blood!" was Vexen's favorite line to sing.

"Seatbelt," Xemnas sang, his voice would have been perfect for an opera, "Radio knobs!"

This little routine got to be so regular that Roxas began to find amusement in the activities of his fellow Nobodies. In fact, every so often he would catch himself singing, "Seatbelts…"


	9. Xaldin's Favorite Sounds

Chapter 9! Not too far behind Chapter 8! Am I on a roll? I think so. Now let's wait and see how long this roll lasts.

Because I'm paranoid of sending the wrong message: I do not support child abuse in any way or form. So please do not go punch your babies after reading this.

And warning for use of the F word once again (but not repeatedly) and for mentions that special time of the month all women have (I know guys especially don't like hearing about that XD).

I do not own Kingdom Heart, the Organization, any character mentioned in this chapter, or the joke this chapter was based off of (Dane Cook's punching babies joke).

* * *

Xaldin loved many sounds. It was hard not to when you controlled wind, as the wind brought many of these sounds to your ears. Sounds like babbling brooks, which always made Xaldin picture himself frolicking through said brook's waters and playfully splashing his precious puppy, Ruffio. And then there was the sound of towels in a dryer. Soft, fluffy towels that Xaldin just wanted to rub all over his face and with their soft and fluffyness and that just-out-of-the-dryer warmth. That was the best type of warmth ever.

Unfortunately, for every "pro" in life there was a "con". And the con of being able to bring his favorite sounds to his ears whenever Xaldin wished was that he could not control what sounds came with them. This meant that while he did get to hear those babbling brooks and oh so fluffy towels in the dryer, Xaldin also heard the sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

Tires squealing

Metal on metal

People whining

Dogs yelping

Dogs barking

Then there was Xemnas's snoring, Xigbar's impression of his own guns, Vexen's creepy laugh, Lexaeus's….silence. Alright, Lexaeus didn't do too much, but the rest were unbearable! Zexion's emoness, and Saix just had to howl at the moon. And it wasn't just once a month on the night of the full moon. No, Saix howled every night he could see the moon. Not to mention that special way Axel had of saying, "fuck". Then Demyx _always_ had to sing in the shower. It wasn't that he was a bad singer, but when you had to hear it every single night it just got on your nerves. Luxord never seemed to stop counting money, which resulted in the clinking sound of coin hitting coin. Oh, and of course Marluxia _talked_ to his flowers. The dumb things probably couldn't even hear him! Larxene…just the sound of her talking drove Xaldin up the wall because he knew that she would tell him _everything_, whether he wanted to know when her period started or not. Finally, Roxas never seemed to set his videogames down, the damn kid. So much beeping and blowing stuff up and the sound of buttons being jabbed…

These were the sounds that, for whatever reason, the why they hit him made Xaldin want to punch a baby. God forbid he was in a nursery when Xemnas fell asleep, or Demyx decided he was feeling too dirty, or when it was time for Larxene's vagina to bleed, or when Axel got that unmistakable urge to just let out a "fuck!" That last one was not only annoying, but also inappropriate for the babies who would hear it. If Xaldin happened to be in a nursery when his fellow Organization members let out any of their most annoying sounds, he would go on a baby punching rampage.

As if they knew exactly what thoughts were going through Xaldin's head, Roxas and Axel suddenly showed up and announced the Organization was going on a field trip…to a nursery.

"…Can I stay here?" Xaldin asked, knowing that if he went there was a good chance of cute, innocent, little children being hurt.

"Why would you want to do that?" Roxas asked. "Babies are adorable! Don't you just want to go cuddle them?"

"I don't think they would let us cuddle someone else's babies, Roxas." Xaldin told the blonde.

He was met with silence, and then, "Be ready in ten minutes."

And so, ten minutes later, Xaldin found himself walking through a portal and straight into a nursery. Unfortunately, it was naptime. As if his body had immediately been adjusted to the clocks of the infants in the room, Xemnas yawned before going to find a corner to curl up in. Xigbar didn't care about the children and instead turned some of their toys into targets for imaginary guns (Xemnas wouldn't let him bring his real ones to a nursery) and began to make little "pew pew" noises while pointing his fingers at them. Vexen actually seemed to be enchanted by the sleeping children, which one could assume from that annoying laugh he had that was escaping the scientist.

Lexaeus… was still silent.

Zexion remained emo, even among when surrounded by adorable babies. Saix had caught sight of the moon outside a window. He didn't howl since it would probably wake the children and that would be very bad for them, but he did start whining at the moon which had to be just as annoying. Axel had, of course, gotten the urge to do something inappropriate and started cussing like a sailor. Demyx, even though he lacked a shower, found an excuse to sing still. He picked up an already sleeping baby and began to rock it while singing it a lullaby. Luxord quickly got bored and found his own corner where the gambler wasted no time in pulling out his money and counting it. Marluxia had no plants to talk to, but found a way to be just as annoying by complaining about said lack of plants. And then, the most dreaded sound of all….

"Crap, they wouldn't have tampons here, would they?"

Xaldin didn't even need Roxas and his videogames before he was thinking, _Oh no…the sounds that make me want to punch infants…._

It was going to be a very long field trip.


End file.
